Sitting at my usual spot in Starbucks along with my favorite cup of Java Chips Ice Coffee, less cream and no syrup is how I like it.
Warm welcome from the familiar face and smile, saying they haven't seen me in awhile. I greet back with a smile and says "I just arrived yesterday morning." The lady forgot my name, It's unusual name in Malaysia. I told her my name and spell it out for her.
Cup with my name is passed down to another 2 crews who suppose to prepare the drink. When It's ready, Mr. K put the drink at the counter in-front of me and said "Java Chip" then lifted his head up and saw me.
I gave a friendly smile and naturally he said "Oh my god, sorry should be no cream and no syrup." I laughed as I haven't said anything. Immediately the other crew hit his shoulder of being careless.
I didn't talk much today, nor did I talk much to anyone recently. I was feeling down, as for some reason when I feel down, people who know me even a little can feel that I am not myself. The cheerful bouncing around character and interactive that brings out laughter is gone.
About 15 minutes after I sat down, I spilled my Iced water. And I (as usual) keep apologizing even though the crews is completely fine with it but I felt stupid and guilty after. I believed they realized I am not myself today as well. Another 10 minutes later, a crew brought me a plate with 3 slices of baguette.
He said, "This is your..." I interrupted and said "Sorry I didn't order...." He said, "Yes, it's a complimentary for you to try, it's our new curry chicken, hawaii chicken with pineapple on top, vegetarian soy minces which is vegetarian. All topped with cheese, hope you like it"
I give a big smile and said "That is very nice of you, I will try."
I tried the curry chicken ones, and it was quite nice. Not really spicy but good flavor to it, but it was uncomfortable for me to eat it, as a lot of customers is looking... I haven't really seen anyone having a plate of complimentary on their table.
I tell myself maybe they finished it ages ago?
But however the man sitting the table next to me came around the same time as me. He haven't get any, and he start looking at my plate. I guessed there is limited amount of complimentary they can give so like a lucky draw and I happen to got it. It is quite generous for complimentary for one person, that is why I doubt every customer will get one.
After I have the Hawaii flavor, I love it, taste amazing. After two slices, I decide to leave the last slice.
I went on Google, I type "Low self-esteem and relationships" and "Differences between Asian women and western women" on the search engine.
Few days ago, Mr. Grey and I have a small misunderstanding, we were using Whatsapp discussing about the holiday research I posted on my blog before. For some reason, It lead into something big. Mr. Grey misunderstand I said he is selfish, and I thought he doesn't care about my feelings and things gets ugly.
I start blaming myself why I can't handled it better.
There is always a fear, that I would upset him.
I kept it hidden and stash away so It wouldn't affect me and my behavior.
Why do things gets bad like this, I start feeling really stupid and guilty.
I hate to make him mad or unhappy and I always happen to able to do it.
I tried to explained myself but It get worse and worse.
I asked myself, am I destined not to have any relationship?
Many times, I had choose to escape and leave.
Not because I am not happy, or doesn't care.
But because I care and don't wish to hurt that person anymore.
Naturally I asked myself, maybe he is happier without me.
But the smile is real, I knew that but I just don't have the confidences to believe myself.
I trying very hard not to walk the same route to escape and thought everything will be fine if I do that.
Mr Grey say "You have to give your partner an option and choice too"
It is true, a relationship is a two person devotion I shouldn't just do what I think is best.
I then told Mr. Grey, ''I don't think It will happen to you, as I love you the most out of everyone I had before."
Strange that I said that, after I said it... I tell myself I shouldn't have said it.
But It just came out.
Mr Grey gave a smile and goes "Really?"
Giggle *
I think both Mr Grey and me is trapped somewhere in our own fear and usual routine. This process is important for both of us and is like when first learnt to walk, you need someone there to support you along the way. Even if you fell or If it hurts, it is alright as that person is there with you.
I told Mr. Grey in a cheeky way, saying I did some research and found if you naturally smile at your I think he start falling in love. But he say men doesn't share those secrets but do admit he love his Tomtom. *cries* He is such a bully... -__- "And that is after he told me I should have confidences in myself and to believe.
But sometimes I do know Mr. Grey do care for me, It just me being insecure... guess my past cause a big damage to me :(
Maybe one day I be able to walk out of it and find my own happiness.
Love Mr.Grey - By Lamapig
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